blond utväxt, så hjässan blev riktigt, riktigt knall röd och resten av håret blev mörkare, så det var inte speciellt snyggt. Men nu har jag ingen utväxt, så vi hoppas på ett bra resultat. 

 

 

 

A slight whiff of air hit my face as Alec carried my through the door in to our hotel. Once more I looked sleppely at the boring, empty walls. The only difference between my earlier visit and this one was that I was now here with Alec, which made even these boring walls glow. I'd barely noticed the car ride home, and I still wasn't sure I was fully awake. Alec still carried me and it only took us a few minutes to reach our hotelroom. Normally it would've just have taken a few seconds, but since this was a human hotel, it wouldn't have been very smart to run in the normal vampire speed, it might have freaked some humans out. Alec was still wearing his cloak, so we got some strange looks on the way, but I didn't really care. As long as I was in Alec's arms, the world could've fallen apart and I wouldn't have cared.

As we entered our room and Alec closed the door behind us, he looked down at me and smiled when he saw that I was looking at him.

"Hey, beautiful", he said and gently put me down on the bed. I solowly started to roll over to my side to continue sleeping, but Alec but a hand on my shoulder and shook his head.

"No, Renesmee, you can't sleep in those clothes. There's new clothes in the bathroom along with a toothbrush and some other necessary things." The thought of getting out of bed was excruciating and I groaned loudly in protest. But I maneged to sit up after a lot of struggeling and yawns. It took another while to be able to stand up, but I managed that too. But walking to the bathroom and back was impossible. So without thinking, I unbuttoned my jeans, kicked them off and then took my shirt and did the same to that. It was not until I stood in only underwear that I realized that Alec was still in the room. Slowly, I turned towards him, instently blushing when I saw his face. His mouth was half open and he stared at me in surprise and something simular to addmiration. Akwardly, I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to hide the obvious; I was standing half naked, in a hotelroom, with Alec. Holy shit!

For a while we just stood there, looking at each other, or well, more like staring at each other. For every second that past, the air seemed to get thicker and thicker. When my heart was racing so fast that I had a hard time breathing, I cleared my throat, just to do something. The small sound seemed alot bigger in the pressing silence, but it seemed to wake Alec up from his frozen condition.

"Alec, I..." I began to say, but Alec held up one finger, silencing me. He took three deep breaths and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, that fiery red color glowed even more fierce than ever before. But this time it was more than just love or anger. More than anything that mae his eyes glow like that. This time it was lust. A shiver ran down my spine and I took an unwillingly step back. When we declared our love for each other, I'd never thought of this part, the sex part. I hadn't even thought about it when we'd made out in the car. But know that thought circledvery clear in my head. My breath went shallow and I looked around for something thing to cover myself with. The only problem was that all the loose pieces of clothing or fabric was on the bed, and near the bed was Alec, and I didn't want to push Alec by taking a step closer to him. So instead of covering myself up, I stood there, embarrassed with my arms crossed over my chest, feeling extremely uncomfortable. I wished that I could be more confident, that instead of standing awkwardly, covering myself, I would put my hands on my hips, smile a devilish smile and ask if he liked what he saw. I wanted to be bold and fierce, not shy and uncomfortable. I didn't want to doubt myself and wonder if Alec was absolutely disgusted by my body. Because, if he wasn't, why was he acting like this? The expression on his face looked like a mix between disgust, restrain and hate. When I looked at him, I felt the urge to cry. Was it really that painful to look at me? Did he find me that repulsive?

"Excuse me", he suddenly said, and was out the door before I even had any time to react. As soon as the door slammed shut, my legs failed to carry me and I fell down on the floor, sobbing. Over and over again, I saw his disgusted expression and every time I saw it, a sharp pain consumed my heart. Why did I have to be so stupid? I started to cry even more when I realized that this was my fault. If I hadn't been so stupid and thrown off my clothes without thinking, this would never have happened. After a while, I stopped crying out loud and I could feel my eyelids slowly closing of exhaustion. I managed to crawl into bed and surround myself with the fluffy covers before I fell asleep, tears still streaming down my face as silent rivers.

When I woke up all the memories slowly came back to the surface. The tears filled my eyes again and I groaned silently and pulled the covers over my head in an attempt to hide myself from the world. It was not until my eyes had gotten used to the darkness under the covers, that I noticed two cold arms embracing me – and from the feeling of them against my skin, they've been doing that for some time now. With a gasp, I quickly rose into sitting position and looked around. Next to me in the bed, Alec lay with a slightly amused expression on his face, but underneath that amusement, I could see a hard, controlled face lurking, just waiting to come out. I quickly swiped my hands over my face to cover up all signs of my tears, I was not going to let Alec see me cry, no way. Even though I felt hurt, I couldn't help but feel as I always did when I saw Alec. The butterflies bugged my stomach and my heart started to flutter. To buy some time before I had to look at him, or even worse: say something, I took a deep breath. But before I had the time to open my mouth and speak – or even finish my deep breath – Alec spoke.

"You've been crying." It wasn't a question, it was a fact. Unable to say something, I nodded slightly and felt blood rushing to my cheeks as I felt embarrassed that he'd noticed that. Alec looked at me and I glanced at him before I looked down at my hands, pulling the covers tighter around me. The covers rustled as Alec sat up, taking my hands and holding them hard.

"Renesmee, I…" Alec started to say before he choked on his own words. It was quiet for a few seconds before he said something again.

"Please look at me." As I heard his words, I stared down at my hands – still embraced by his – even harder. "Renesmee", Alec pleaded and the sudden pain in his voice made me look up. His eyes were full of pain and my heart ached for him. As our eyes met, I felt tears rising again and I fought to keep them down. Alec gently stroked my cheek as if he was wiping tears of my face.

"I'm so, so sorry for the way I acted earlier. I know there's no apology big enough to make you forgive me, but you have to know that none of it was because of you. When I saw you, like…" Alec paused, looking tormented. "Like that, I was consumed. You looked so beautiful and I was not prepared. And with that much of you showing, you looked so delicious. I just wanted to wrap you up and do very inappropriate things with you, which neither of us are ready for. And your blood... well, I'm not even going to get started on that." Alec paused again, this time to look at me and wait for my reaction. I just stared at him. It was silent for a very long time and I knew I was supposed to say something but I just felt so confused. Finally, I managed to speak.

"But, you looked so disgusted." My voice choked on the last word and I had to bite my lip to keep the tears from surfacing again. Alec looked pained and he closed his eyes for a while.

"I wasn't disgusted by you, I was disgusted by me." Alec still kept his eyes closed as he spoke and I resisted the urge to take his face between my hands and lean my forehead against his. If it was for his sake or mine, I didn't know. "I couldn't control myself and if I hadn't left the room things could've gotten ugly. Even though you're half vampire, you're still so fragile compared to me, compared to what I can do." Alec made a disgusted sound and closed his eyes even harder. "There's blood floating through you, and even though you smell more like a vampire, it's still there. In your cheeks", Alec gently stoke my cheek and I stopped a shiver. "In your neck", his hand traced down my face, towards my neck. "In your heart", once more his hand traced down and stayed over my beating heart. At this point, I'd stopped breathing. I just starred at him, wondering what he would do next. Alec met my gaze and we looked each other deep in the eye. It took a while before we both noticed that his hand was very near a pretty private place of mine. When Alec realized that, his gaze dropped to his hand – which he quickly removed. I – of course - blushed and looked down.

"You must hate me", Alec said. The sorrow in his voice was so heavy that I looked up.

"I could never hate you." Our eyes met again and this time it wasn't unsure or filled with anger or sadness. This time it was fierce and full of fire. My heart started to flutter and I had trouble breathing. Alec slowly raised his hand and put it on my cheek. I leaned into it and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, Alec's face was just a few inches away. Normally, I would've blushed and made a fool of myself with my galloping heart. But this time, I weirdly enough felt sure. I wasn't insecure. Instead of waiting for Alec to make the move, I put one hand on one side of his face, leaned forward and kissed him. He immediately kissed me back and embraced me in his arms. I leaned even further in and surrendered myself to him.

A knock on the door two seconds later interrupted us and Alec moaned complainingly. I moaned too, and leaned even closer to Alec – refusing to let him go.

"What?!" Alec hissed and looked incredibly annoyed. He still held me with one arm as he looked at the door. Felix's black mop of hair peeked in and he looked curiously at us.

"Jane says that it's time to go. We don't have enough morphine to keep him down for ever." Felix's voice sounded awfully cheery and when Alec looked away he wiggled his eyebrows at me. I quickly blushed and looked away.

Alec gave Felix an annoyed looked and whispered something that sounded like a curse under his breath. "Tell Jane that we'll be down in a minute." Felix nodded and quickly left. As soon as the door closed, Alec tilted my head with his finger tips and kissed me once more. I smiled against his lips and answered by putting my arms around my neck. Alec's hands slowly traced down my body and when they reached my waist I shrieked and jumped high. At first I got a worried look from Alec, then he got something devilish in his eyes and grabbed my waist once more. This time my shriek mixed with a giggle.

"Ticklish are we?" Alec laughed and attacked my waist once more. We fell backwards in the bed as we both laughed loudly. I tried to escape, but he was way to strong. But it didn't take long before my salvation came – in form of an other knock on the door. Alec sighed and growled low.

"What?!" He hissed once more, this time with a lot more anger than before. The door carefully opened and Felix was seen in the door once more.

"Jane says that if you two don't get down there right now she's going to tell the secret." Felix voice suddenly changed tone and Alec's eyes narrowed. After about half a second of thinking, he quickly rose from the bed.

"Get dressed", he said to me as he buttoned his shirt. Felix took that as his cue to leave and quickly shut the door on his way out.

"What was that about?" I asked, still a little breathless after being tickled. Alec tensed for a moment before he turned towards me with a light expression on his face.

"Nothing", he said with a shrug and walked towards me. "Just a little fight between siblings." I started to speak, but Alec silenced me with a kiss.

"You, are way to hot to be dressed like that." I blushed and looked down at me body. I had totally forgot that I was still wearing only a bra and panties. Not that they were lace or anything, but I still felt pretty naked. Which I on the other hand was.

Har lekt lite med piclab appen och fått fram lite bilder. Kanske lägger ut nån på insta. 

Ibland så undrar jag vad det är jag gör för fel. Vad det är med mig som ingen verkar tycka om. Den senaste veckan har gått upp och ner och jag vet inte vem som finns och vem som fejkar, vem som genuint tycker om mig och vem som bara dras med mig. Just nu känns allt bara skit. Det verkar som om det alltid finns någon som skiner lite starkare, är lite duktigare, lite bättre och lite viktigare. Denna vecka har jag blivit ignorerad av lärare och fått mig en riktigt sänkning av min självkänsla. Människor som jag trodde älskade mig och som fanns där för mig har visat sig att det inte alls är det, utan att jag bara är som något bihang som de måste dras med. Lite som den irriterande människan alla måste stå ut med för att få skjuts någonstans eller liknande. Och nu undrar jag då, vad är det för fel på mig? Vad gör jag för fel? Allt jag gör är att finnas för andra, även när jag knappt orkar bära på andras skit längre så gör jag det ändå. Just nu verkar jag bara vara någon jävla dörrmatta som folk kliver över. De enda som verkar uppskatta mig är lärarna för att jag lämnar in mina läxor i tid. Kan inte bara tala om för mig vad det är för fel på mig? Vad gör jag för fel?! Varför är det så att alla jag kommer nära och litar på sviker mig? Det måste ju vara något fel på mig efter som att alla jag någonsin kommer nära sticker. Och det som inte gör det är seriöst vrickade. Jag känner mig så ensam, den enda jag har att prata med är morfar, och även om jag älskar honom till 200% så behöver jag någon i min egen ålder som jag kan lita på, någon som finns där och backar upp mig när det behövs. Inte bara någon som är måttligt intesserad i det jag har att säga utan någon som faktiskt bryr sig. För just nu gör ingen det. Jag känner mig så malplacerad, som om jag är en alien som alla bara umgås med för att vara artiga. Som om ingen uppskattar att jag finns, som om ingen skulle sakna mig om jag försvann.  

Något annat bra som hänt är att jag blev framröstad till ordförande för trygghetsrådet + att iden jag hade för att utveckla elevhjälpen kanske går igenom om de andra rektorerna tycker om den. Håll tummarna!

Kan också meddela att skrivandet är back on track! Har börjat använda det som ett project på skolan och kommer nu lägga ner minst 4-5 timmar i veckan på att skriva. Så går allt som planerat kan jag slå två flugor i en smäll och jobb med både engelskan och skrivandet tillsammans. 

Blev arg på mamma idag för att hon var så jävla dum i huvudet och trodde att jag var trött för att jag sovit för lite och inte för att min kropp är i ett utvecklingsstadium och behöver mycket sömn. Tror seriöst att jag kommer skjut henne i huvudet. Men, men. What you gonna do?

Vet att jag har varit fruktansvärt inaktiv när det gäller bloggen och skrivandet men jag hoppas att skrivandet i alla fall ska komma i gång när vi fått datorerna på skolan, då jag kan slå ihop hemma skrivandet med skolarbetet i engelskan och slå två flugor i en smäll. Kanske blir mer aktiv på bloggen också, vi får se. Men puss och kram på er så länge :*

Ps; vill ni följa mitt liv lite mer aktivt finns jag på Instagram @Storiie och på Vi e och Pheed som @Storiie också. 

Då jag legat hemma idag med magont och illa måeende så har jag lyssnat på otorligt mycket musik. Och då jag fått dille på några av dem tänkte jag göra en liten lista över topp låtar som funkar när man ska plugga, chilla, läsa, skriva eller vad man nu ska göra.

• Daddy's little Girl - Jesse McCartney
• Who you are - Jessie J
• Nice guys - YTF
• Där jag hänger min hatt - Norlie & KKV
• Roar - Katy Perry
• Soldier - Gavin Degraw ( <3 )
• Just so you know - Jesse McCartney
• Curly Sue - Takida
• Just give me a reason - Pink
• Trouble - Chris Rene
• Read all about it pt III - Emeli Sandé
• Pumped up kicks - Foster the people
• Mirror - Justin Timberlake
• Pucher love girl - Justin Timberlake
• Undressed - Kim Cesarion
• Tunga Moln - Oskar Linnros
• Bleeding out - Imagine Dragons
• Demons - Imagine Dragons
• Gorilla - Bruno Mars
• Blurred lines - Robin Thicke